For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be something special. I wanted to work in entertainment or be the wife of some super powerful mogul. I always saw myself as the behind-the-scenes type. I love to sing but have a horrible voice. I draw but never think it’s good enough. I create. Photography was a perfect fit for me.
You see, with photography, you can make anything what you want it to be. You can manipulate photos to be the ideal. It’s a very technical field. I’m good with technical. I’m good with numbers and ratios and scenarios that can be repeated. I’m good with creativity and coming up with ideas and executing them. Photography felt right.
But then it became a burden. It was no longer about the ART but about the DOLLAR. It was no longer about the FUN but about the CONNECTIONS. And by connections I don’t mean the connections with my clients. Nope. I mean connections with the right people.
But I know people. Or knew people. Or thought I had the right connections. But I don’t. Or I didn’t. Or I misread the situation. Relationships were always important to me and I thought I fostered those relationships. Apparently what I was fostering was false hope lifting THEM up while suffering myself thinking they’d remember me when the time came. Don’t get me wrong – I never go into a relationship friendship thinking about what I can get out of it. I truly value friendships. But I do know my worth. FINALLY. I know my worth. I know that I am good at what I do. Hell. I’m great at what I do. I am loyal to the bone. But people don’t see you when you’re quiet and reserved. They don’t remember you when the time comes to call on someone to help. They forget the encouragement and support you gave them.
Photography became something I dreaded. I stopped taking my camera with me places for fear that someone would ask me to take a picture for them. “Do you know how much I charge for this?” I’d say to myself. That wasn’t me. I always wanted to be successful but I started my business knowing that some people would never be able to afford the luxury that is photography. I didn’t want to be that person that was unreachable.
I quit photography because I was tired of playing the game.
Then I found photography again. This time, for me. I’m a memory maker. That’s what I am. That’s what has always been important to me. Now I’m a photographer for myself. I photograph what I want. I photograph MY life. I’ve never felt freer. So what if that magazine doesn’t want me. So what if that group doesn’t think I’m the right fit. So what if my loyalty and talent mean nothing. So what.