More Hormones

August 5, 2020 – Stim Day 5

It hit me today that next week is egg retrieval. 

Box of the many, many injectables.

I had bloodwork yesterday (stim day 4). I can’t see the results online yet, but I wouldn’t know what they meant anyway. I didn’t receive a call about it so that must be a good thing. No news means good news. The blood draw went okay except that I barely slept the night before. I was so tired and I’m pretty sure I was dehydrated. I also turned in my pre-op paperwork. 

Dana, whom I’ve corresponded with several times, is the one at the desk for these check-ins. She is not friendly in person. I don’t know if it’s COVID and the masks or the fact that this is a military facility. I just don’t get the warm fuzzies from them like I hoped I would. It feels a bit like a cattle call. Hopefully, things get better. 

I was in a bit of a rush when I showed up for my bloodwork appointment yesterday. I’m not sure why. I wasn’t late. It was pouring rain that morning, so Husband dropped me off. I walked up to the desk and asked Dana how she was doing as southerners tend to do. She replied “okay” in an unfriendly way and didn’t ask about me. Okay. I asked her if I just go to the lab or if I need to check in with her. She asked my name and crossed me off a list and then just let me know they’d only call if there was something that needed to change. I should have asked about refilling my medications since I’ll need to do that soon, but I was tired and wasn’t thinking. I left the desk and headed to the lab which wasn’t even open yet. Why was I rushing? My bloodwork appointment was at 0700 even though it was just the lab. I got there at about 0645 and to the lab at 0650. I waited the 10 minutes to get a number. Husband ended up parking and coming in and sat with me while I waited. It took another 20 minutes for everything and then we headed home.

Monica holding the Gonal F pen.

I slept most of that morning. I don’t know if it was the meds or the lack of sleep. I felt awful. I found out that the Lupron injection causes insomnia. This is the one I take twice a day. All the injections have side effects though. They range from tiredness to moodiness to backpain to everything in between. I just assume whatever weirdness I’m feeling is from the injections. It will all be worth it when we have our sweet baby (or babies).

Today was just a waiting day. The first bit of anxiety slipped in. I need this to go well. I received my pre-op phone call and that felt great. It hit me that this is happening. It gave me confidence that this WILL work and WILL happen. My body is cooperating. Nobody called to tell me to stop. Nobody called to say that my bloodwork looks bad. My body must be doing what it’s supposed to do.

I realize that I’ve been holding back my feelings. I’m confident that this will work but I’ve also been confident before and it hasn’t worked out. I just really want this. I feel like crying right now as I write this. This is the first emotion I’ve felt since I’ve been here. Even the first injection didn’t cause tears. I expected to be really emotional from this, but the truth is…I’m scared. My baseline appointment really messed me up. That’s just the truth. I never considered that I wouldn’t have enough eggs…or follicles…or whatever. My body cannot betray me.

Gonal f pen on the desk

Tomorrow is the first ultrasound since I started the stims. This is the one where we’ll see if I’m responding. I believe I am. I know my body wants this pregnancy. I think I’ll feel better after knowing that the team sees what I see. That this is going to work despite my age and my weight. This is meant to be.

Love always, Monica

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