If you’ve followed me for any length of time, you already know that I struggle with weight. I’ve struggled my whole life. I think that people sometimes forget that I know I’m larger than average. Guess what. I know my size.
I’m sorry my weight offends you.
I recently had the pleasure of being informed that I’m heavy. Yep. I guess this person didn’t realize thatI know this already. By the way, “heavy” is not a nice way of saying fat. This wasn’t something new to me, though. I’ve been informed of my size my whole life. I’ve been told I was too skinny and told I was too fat. Yep. I’m always up for debate I guess. This latest time just really bothered me, though.
I have no clue.
Well, I do have a clue. I will be 35 in March. I have felt lost for a large part of my life. In recent years, I have found confidence in the skin I’m in. I have learned to embrace myself at whatever size I’m in. I have learned that no matter what, I can still look nice. I even convinced myself that others weren’t worried about my weight. This perceived reality was shattered and that’s why I’m bothered.
There are so many ugly comments from average size and below average size and even above average size people that act like overweight people aren’t allowed to look nice. They aren’t allowed to be in the midst of a process. They say things like “you should be worried about losing weight instead of finding something cute to wear”. Think about it, how many times have you said it yourself? How many times have you commented on that lady in the grocery store buying bread or snacks for her family? How many times have you mentioned that that mom should have parked further in the lot since she “needs the exercise”? How many times have you assumed that the fat girl at the restaurant is just greedy and doesn’t care about her health? And yes, health. Why do people pretend that their concern with weight is only about health? It isn’t. It’s about bigotry. Since when did people care so much about others? Let’s be real, these people are offended by someone else’s weight.
Well, guess what. I’m fat. Today, I am overweight by a lot. I have pounds upon pounds to lose. It doesn’t happen overnight. Your comments about me being heavy don’t change this. I know you don’t know the amount I’ve lost already. The reality is that you don’t care. You just care that you’re not where I am and that makes you feel better than me. This makes you feel like you have authority over me and how I conduct my life. It makes you think that you can tell me about my health and my aches and pains and my body. But you can’t. You don’t know what this body has been through. You don’t know the damage that your words can cause.
I know this person doesn’t know that I spent 5 years in an abusive relationship where I was repeatedly hit and thrown around. But at least, I was thin. This person doesn’t know that I had 2 ectopic pregnancies and now have to rely on in vitro fertilization to get pregnant. But at least, I was thin. This person doesn’t know that sometimes people put on weight because of unresolved emotional baggage and that every day is a struggle to get that weight off. This person doesn’t know about the things this body CAN do. This person doesn’t know that I think about what other people think with every bite I take. This person doesn’t know or maybe even care that words can be damaging.
Today, I won’t let those words damage me. I’ve spent too much of my life letting words damage me. No more.