The past few months have been – different. I’ve been consumed with grief. I thought I was going to bounce back quickly but the abundance of firsts took over. The anticipation of an event, a holiday, a day without my dad took over my being. I withdrew from pretty much everything. I deleted Facebook from my phone. I stopped taking phone calls and stopped returning texts. I didn’t want to go out. I didn’t want to participate. I lost faith. I barely wanted to exist.
Some days were great, but many were not. I relived the sadness of my dad dying. I kept seeing him fading away. I couldn’t find him as he was for most of my life. I could only see his suffering. I was sad for his sickness. The truth is, I was really grieving. I felt bad because I thought I should have been stronger. My dad wanted me to be okay and I felt I was letting him down. I’m working on moving past that but it’s definitely hard work.
When someone you love passes away, you expect everyone around you to feel that pain. You expect your friends on Facebook to be sad. You expect the celebrities on Instagram to post messages of sorrow for the loss of your loved one. You expect the world to stop and mourn with you. The truth is, this doesn’t happen. Life goes on even if you feel like you’re at a standstill. I feel like I’m in mud trying hard to get out of it. All I know is that I miss my daddy more than I ever thought I could.
I miss his encouragement and his smile. I miss being able to call him whenever I want. I miss his voice and his snoring and his crazy dancing leg. I miss seeing him tinkering in the backyard or asking me weird questions about life. I miss the person he was and the person I’ll never have again. I cherish those last few months I had with him, but I will never stop missing him. I am forever a daddy’s girl.